Saturday, February 02, 2008

David Hasselhoff - The Night Before Christmas

This was a present from my good friend Jeff Fox of Jeffco Productions. Since 2001, Jeff and I have shared our love of Christmas music, both good and (as you can see) bad.

Each year, we've tried to come up with something so utterly mindblowingly bad that it's good. Jeff loves RuPaul's Christmas album and continues to send me one song at a time through his comps. I countered several years ago with William Hung's Christmas album and then a mindblowing album from Wendy Rose.

When this album was released back in 2004, it never reached the shores of America. The German people have embraced the Hoff the way French people embrace Jerry Lewis. When the Berlin Wall fell in 1989, who was on German TV singing and celebrating with an over the top jacket?

This Christmas album was strictly a German import but that didn't stop Jeff. He found a copy via BitTorrent and sent me a copy (really, Jeff, you shouldn't have!). I fully concede now that musically I can't find anything that can top this. You won the war, Jeff!


1.) Twas The Night Before Christmas
This retelling of Clement Moore's poem (6:40!) exceeds the recommended daily allowance of ham by 200%.

2.) White Christmas
Whoever mixed this buried Hoff's voice behind a loud acoustic guitar, woodwinds, and strings... not bad!

3.) Joy To The World
This one shimmers throughout (the synthesized glitter and sparkle is incredible). Hoff's voice is buried again!

4.) Deck The Halls
Starts off acapella (you can hear David's sneer come across). By the end, the backing vocals & instruments totally obscure the Hoff.

5.) Silent Night
This wasn't too bad (mixed okay and everything). When David gets "serious" and monologues towards the end, duck and cover!

6.) God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
I'm guessing the engineer had both fingers in his ears when this was recorded. The mix is horrendous.

7.) Hark The Herald Angels
Whaddya know? A song in which I can HEAR Hasselhoff sing! And why am I happy about that?

8.) The Christmas Song
One piano, one bass, one voice... perhaps the best song on the album.

9.) O Holy Night
David sounds like he's standing at the far end of a soundstage and singing his heart out... not a bad thing!

10.) Jingle Bells
"Come on, y'all... you know this one!" We thought we did Dave. Surprisingly fair - a heartbeat has been detected!

11.) Feliz Navidad
No, he didn't... Sweet mercy, he did! The 9-1-1 call should sound pretty interesting...

12.) We Wish You A Merry Christmas
David's two daughters help to wish everyone a Merry Christmas... cute!

13.) Please Come Home For Christmas (duet with Gwen)
The only original song on the album, Gwen sings her part in German. Quite odd all around.

14.) Stille Nacht
Das Hoff singt dieses auf Deutsch... und läßt den Monolog... verflucht aus! (See below)

I have sat and listened to fourteen straight songs by Hasselhoff... I am dizzy, I am still alive, and, strangely, I am hungry for beer and sauerbraten.

At some point, Hasselhoff will accept the obvious, embrace the campiness surrounding him, and become the next William Shatner. David has flashed glimpses of this with his appearances in the films "Dodgeball" and "The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie" but nothing yet with records (a la Shatner's "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds"). When that happens, watch this album finally get released in America and rake in the $$$$.

BTW, if you haven't checked out Jeffco Productions, what are you waiting for? Chock full of his handiwork, Jeff has a Christmas section that's tough to beat. Did you know it's perfectly legal to post copyrighted albums in Canada (for the moment)? You'll find some rare and amazing Christmas LPs for the taking!

Jeff, thanks for the gift of the Hoff! I think I drew even this year when I sent you this Tori Spelling Christmas movie, no?



Jeff said...

You are definitely ahead this year, but I'm still gathering and fighting for a rematch (though the Tori Spelling/Gary Coleman/William Shatner combo is indeed hard to top...

And thanks for the high praise. A word in your blog and my web-stats go through the roof. Now that's power and influence, Capt!

stubbysfears said...

As soon as I saw the album cover, I felt like I was in one of those slow motion movie moments.


Ernie said...

I downloaded this one a couple years ago when it first came out. And if memory serves, Feliz Navidad was my favorite track. Not sure why...

CaptainOT said...

Jeff - Can't we call a truce? :)

Stubby - Hasselhoff has been known to cause that effect!

Ernie - "Silent Night" remains my favorite because of the Hoff's monologue - so earnest, so funny!


The King of Jingaling said...

Man, you are a far stronger man than I am.... I couldn't do it.

And can anybody really find anything worse than Wendy Rose? The Del Rubio Triplets disc is pretty bad.

So It Goes said...

My God. I still remember when Mr. Garrison had plastic surgery to look like him in South Park.
Smashing review, by the way.

CaptainOT said...

King - Have you ever heard Johnny "Bowtie" Barstow's Christmas album? The male equivalent of Wendy Rose!

So It Goes - I missed that episode of South Park! Thanks for visiting!